just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
