yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
