I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
