I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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