just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I want her autograph on my taint
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
