she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
