dude i'm inner monologue high
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
