this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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