she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
