New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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