I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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