that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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