It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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