Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
