he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
