After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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