HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
