6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
