We named our party play list daddy issues
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
