did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
