david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
