i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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