Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
