His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
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Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize