My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
