Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
