I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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