Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
