Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
