my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's official drugs can't kill me
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
