How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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