Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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