so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
