I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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