I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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