new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
