I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize