he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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