You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
