Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
