the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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