I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
