That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
