I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
