Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
