As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
