thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
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Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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