I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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