1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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