Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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