did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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