i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
