god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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