Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
