I could have mohawked her pubes.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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