his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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