Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
that may or may not have been my penis.
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