broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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