Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
