My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize