Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
