the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
