just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
