I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
