Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
did i walk over a car last night?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
