omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
